


The Dippy List (The Delta Skippy)

by Willa Shakespeare (AnonEhouse)



Category: Blake's 7
Genre: Crack, Humor, Innuendo, Other, Skippy's List
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-11
Updated: 2013-05-11
Packaged: 2017-12-11 13:15:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/799144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/Willa%20Shakespeare
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The original 'Skippy List' was composed of things Skippy was no longer allowed to do in the army (which included a lot of sexy/strange/practical jokes). This is Vila's variation on it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Dippy List (The Delta Skippy)

(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)

Things I am no longer allowed to do in the revolution:

Put vitamin solution in Avon's brandy bottle.  
Put alien insects in Avon's brandy bottle and call it tequila.  
Not even if the insects are dead.  
And Avon buys tequila.  
Unlock Avon's safe to get at his brandy bottle.  


Put dried peas under Avon's mattress.  
Put leftover curry under Avon's pillow.  
Put Blake's hair on Avon's toothbrush.  


Put Cally's extra-strength liniment on Orac's actuator key.  
Or Avon's favorite probe.  
Or his black silk underpants.  
Even if Gan asks me to do it.  
And Blake pays me ten credits.  
And Jenna throws in a bottle of adrenaline and soma.  
And Cally offers to talk dirty in my mind.  


Put Glow in the Dark slogans on Avon's underpants.  
Or his favorite jacket.  
Especially ones shaped like targets with the words 'Shoot me I'm a rebel'  
Particularly before a mission  
Especially one to Space Command Headquarters  
When Servalan is there.  


File away one side of the lifts to his boots.  
And then look worried and ask why the ship is tilting.  
And then lean in the opposite direction to Avon and scream that we're caught in a black hole.  
And then run past Avon and launch all the escape pods.  
And take videos of Avon looking like a dork as he tries to climb into a spacesuit.  
And send the videos to Servalan.  
Or Travis.  
Or have them made into Holiday Greetings to send to Avalon.  
Even if I can sell them to buy essential rebel supplies.  
Which doesn't include Adrenaline and Soma.  
Or Blow-up Bertha with Real Voice Response Systems.  
Which shouldn't be enjoyed on the flight deck couch during my watch.  
And should NOT be programmed to sound like Cally.  
And definitely should not scream 'Help, Blake, Avon is raping me!'  
While I have the inter-ship com link open to Blake's room.  
And if I do, I shouldn't hide Bertha, and look worried when Blake comes running in.  
And suggest that Avon is desperate.  
Or hint that maybe he likes Blake more than Blake knows.  
And just happen to hand Blake the override key to Avon's room.  
And have the inter-ship com link open between Avon's room and all the other cabins and the flight deck.  
And then show up at Jenna's door and offer to console her.  
Or at Cally's door, either.  
Or even Gan's.  


I shouldn't put a 'Get it Here' sign on Avon's door.  
Even if it does make Blake laugh.  


I should not use Orac to store old family recipes  
Particularly not by overwriting Blake's next mission plans.  
Even if Gramma Gertie's Sauerkraut Balls do explode even better than regular bombs.  


I shouldn't ask Zen to give me the absolute value of pi.  
And when it gets to about the fifteenth decimal place I shouldn't say I meant cherry pie.  
And when Zen breaks down into alien gibberish I mustn't tell Avon it was something he ate.  


When teleporting down I don't need a parachute.  
Particularly not one with an explosive charge.  
Painted Day-Glo Orange.  
Because it clashes with quarries.  


And I shouldn't dump all of Avon's tools out of my coolbox in order to fill it with pieces of chalk.  
Which I shouldn't use to mark children's games all over the flight deck.  
And then scream when Avon walks in, telling him that he's stepped on a crack and broken his mother's back.  


I also shouldn't replace Cally's Auron coffee with motor oil.  
Even if everyone does compliment me on improvement in the taste.  


When unlocking an explosive collar from Avon's neck I shouldn't comment on dandruff.  
Or sneeze.  
Or pretend to have a fit of palsy.  
Or say 'oh, my god, it's true, I've gone BLIND'  


I shouldn't make passes at all the pretty rebels.  
Or the pretty hi-techs.  
Or the pretty senator.  
Or the pretty mutoids.  
Or the pretty androids.  
Or the pretty mercenaries.  
Or the pretty markswomen.  
Or the pretty alien who wants a pet.  
Or the pretty girlfriend of a homicidal robot.  
Or the pretty daughter of an exiled president.  
Or the pretty virgin who's been waiting for Avon all her life.  
Or the pretty homicidal supreme commander (even if she is tied up and helpless.)  


I shouldn't tell Cally I have Priest's disease and there's only one cure.  


I shouldn't make new jackets for myself by cutting patches out of all of Avon's outfits.  
Or inflate the shoulder pads on his jackets and tell him they're the latest style.  


Or put holograms of Anna in Avon's bedroom, timed to come on and begin moaning 'avenge me' every time he falls asleep and shut off the instant he wakes up.  
It's no better if it's Blake saying 'It's me, Avon'  
Particularly if the Blake holo adds 'Back to your position' and leers suggestively.  


I shouldn't rig Avon's boots to make them pick up static electricity.  
Or Jenna's brassiere straps to break.  
Even if Avon asks me to do it.  
And Gan pays me ten credits.  
And Cally offers me a bottle of Adrenaline and Soma  
And Blake promises not to let Jenna kill me.  


I should not arrange the studs on Avon's jacket to spell out obscene messages in Braille.  
Particularly not before we pick up the blind rebel leader Shivan.  
And I mustn't laugh when Shivan gropes Avon.  


I shouldn't put on a school crossing guard uniform and insist on guarding the teleport.  


I shouldn't scream 'hairy alien' when Cally shows up with a fake leopard jacket.  


I shouldn't teach Orac pointless jokes like 'what has wheels, is green, and grows around the house'.  


I shouldn't put superglue in Avon's hairspray.  
Or boots.  
Or his trouser zippers.  


I shouldn't tell Blake that Avon mentioned 'recreational aids' when he was dueling with Travis.  
Or that Avon said he couldn't see Blake finding the right place.  
And I really shouldn't leave the surveillance device on in Avon's cabin.


End file.
